Something like this:
Sunday, April 08, 2007
GIANT GOLDFINCH TERRORIZES CITY
New York, NY (AP) -- A giant and angry goldfinch went on an angry rampage today on the Upper West Side of Manhattan.
"No comment," said an obviously spooked Mayor Bloomberg.
Ornithologists are equally puzzled, both at the size and behavior of this particular goldfinch.
"They are usually such peaceful creatures," said Dr. Vent. "Of course, they are usually much smaller, too."
One person, Mrs. Birdcliffe, claims to have an explanation for the incident.
"I've seen it before, and, frankly, am surprised this doesn't happen more often. Birds are the descendants of dinosaurs. They ruled the earth with an iron claw. Now, they are called 'cute' and 'precious' and 'dahling.' People treat them like they're fragile little weaklings. Obviously, this goldfinch couldn't take the humiliation anymore."
And the size?
"Steroids, HGH, Creatine, and a workout regimen heavy on the weight, light on the cardio."
When asked what we should do about the current situation, Mrs. Birdcliffe looks askance and says, "What do you think we're supposed to do with a giant goldfinch? Obviously, whatever it wants."