MR. BUSHYBROW EGGHEAD

#2 of the FAILED WRESTLER SERIES

This fellow was named by a consortium of neighborhood kids who were watching me paint in my backyard. Learning from a master, I suppose. Smart children.

This wrestler had eyebrows so bushy
They impeded his ability to see
And shaped like an egg
from head to his leg
He'd always end up on his tushy.

Not my best poem. Bid high, and maybe I could afford to go to limerick school.

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Need more wittyness? Click this VERY SENTENCE.

Bird nerds, click here.

NUTHATCH

Ah, the nuthatch. I finally saw one in our new yard this morning. Our new, expensive yard. I heard their distinctive call first, of course. They sound like some kind of a dog-squeeky toy.

The nuthatch is the clown of birds
With a call too goofy for words.
They honk and they squeek
With bugs in their cheek
A treat for bird watching nerds.

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Need more wittyness? Click this VERY SENTENCE.

Bird nerds, click here.

CRAZY CLAWS KITTY #42

I'm a big fan of alliteration. And puns. But this isn't a pun, so let's focus on alliteration for a moment, people.

I was tempted to title this one with all "K's," but decided against it as the acronym would have been inappropriate. I DON'T like acronyms.

So for those keeping score, that's yea for alliteration, yea for puns, nay for acronyms, and nay for supremacist groups. Oh, and of course yea for limericks:

There once was a kitty named Fred
Who loved nothing more than to shred
The ottoman and chair
And cover'em with hair
As he also had a habit to shed.

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Bird nerds, click here.

WET MOCKINGBIRD

A sonnet? OK!

The mockingbird is wet and wants to eat
Swinging on the feeder in the rain
His staring eye breaks through the windowpane
All the while, pecking at his treat.

His feathers ruffled and all spiky wet
Shaking off in vain attempts to dry
Yet always steady is his staring eye
Engaged in inter-species tete-a-tete.

"What fortune you do have to be inside,
As I eat my wet and meager meal;
Do you have a notion how I feel?
I swear, this rain has soaked me through my hide!"

"No," I thought, as he flew away
"I have no wings, so on the ground I stay."

A close-up of said eye:

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Need more wittyness and birdwatching excitement? Click this VERY SENTENCE.

GREEN HERON

Ol' Green Heron is steppin out
Steppin out with leg so lean
Don't you holler, don't you shout
He's so good lookin he don't wanna be seen!

Ol' Green Heron!
Ol' Green Heron!
Ol' Green Heron,
Don't be scared of me.

Makin his way down the shore
He spots a tasty frog to eat
His dinner don't know what's in store
Soon his maker he shall meet.

Ol' Green Heron!
Ol' Green Heron!
Ol' Geren Heron,
Don't be scared of me.

I'm going to have to figure out how to make mp3s. Don't you want to hear me singing this stuff? I know you do.

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LOOK! Pretty shiny things to buy @ NUTMEGNINE.COM!

And look here! Art to buy!

Need more wittyness and birdwatching excitement? Click this VERY SENTENCE.

GRACKLE IN THE GRASS

When traveling by foot, most birds hop. Some run. A few (of the non-water fowl type anyway) actually walk. Grackles have a stroll that I find quite satisfying. If you're lucky, you'll see one doing a grapevine (that's walking sideways, for those of you who've never seen an aerobics class).

I have to go to work. I'll update with a limerick or something later.

UPDATE: Obligatory poem

Here he is, the bird of the hour
Walking around his piercing eyes glower
His beak is set to make him look dour
As if he has eaten something quite sour
Or heard the phrase "junk bird" from some ivory tower

Rhyming words not used: flower, shower, power, our, wower (as in one who wows). Any others?

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LOOK! Pretty shiny things to buy @ NUTMEGNINE.COM!

And look here! Art to buy!

Need more wittyness and birdwatching excitement? Click this VERY SENTENCE.

HIDING GEISHA

Emperor Nobunaga has been a real pain lately. "Read me more poetry! Serve me tea! Make intelligent conversation!" Dude. Chill.

What's a geisha to do? Make like a panda and hide in the bamboo.

Yes, smarty, I know geishas are from Japan and pandas are from China. Give a guy a little poetic liberty, why don't you? It's not like I tried to rhyme "station" with "direction" or something equally ghastly.

What's that, you say? You want a Haiku? What do I look like, a geisha? Sigh. Fine.

Attention craving
Mama's boy with great power
Sun rises, moon sets.

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LOOK! Pretty shiny things to buy @ NUTMEGNINE.COM!

And look here! Art to buy!

Need more wittyness and birdwatching excitement? Click this VERY SENTENCE.

FRED BIGSBY

Good ol' Fred Bigsby, squinting at stars
He waxes poetic about racing cars
Down roads that were paved by Prohibition
Outrunning the cops to fulfill his mission
To bring home the booze that pow'rful moonshine
"If I make enough money, that girl would be mine!"
But no, instead, he shines shoes at the station
That girl will never look in his direction.

UPDATE:
I've been harassed by a fellow eBayer (who shall remain nameless) who notes that in the last two lines, "station" and "direction" don't rhyme. Fine. Here are a few alternatives:

But no, he toils in retail all day
That girl will never look his way.

But no, instead, he rids homes of ants
That girl will never give him a chance.

But no, instead, he works as a miner
That girl's boyfriend will give him a shiner.

But no, instead, he barbecues pork
That girl will only think he's a dork.

But no, instead, he's an art teacher
That girl won't be seen with such a creature.

Hmmm, I think I like that last one.

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LOOK! Pretty shiny things to buy @ NUTMEGNINE.COM!

And look here! Art to buy!

Need more wittyness and birdwatching excitement? Click this VERY SENTENCE.

PERCY WALKER

Percy Walker, billionaire
Hedge Fund man, with great hair.
Oozing green from each pore
Spending money, making more.

With so much green, he still is blue
There's one goal left on his queue.
Will he one day be the best
In the Cartoon Caption Contest?

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LOOK! Pretty shiny things to buy @ NUTMEGNINE.COM!

And look here! Art to buy!

Need more wittyness and birdwatching excitement? Click this VERY SENTENCE.

RAT BLUES

Since my baby left me
(badadada dum)
My world is in a haze
(badadada dum)
Those dudes in all white lab coats
Got me runnin through a maze

I got the rat blues
The gol'dang rat blues
The stepped in a trap blues
The here comes the cat blues

Oh baby please tell me
(badadada dum)
What am I s'posed to do
(badadada dum)
How much cheese does it take now
For me to get over you

(Chorus)

Yeah, ok, so maybe Lady Macbeth isn't the best idea for a children's book illustration submission. Not that I'm submitting anything. I don't really know how that world works. But something tells me a rat singing the blues is more appropriate than a bloody and crazed lady. But maybe I'm wrong. Like I said, I don't know much about the children's book illustration business. If you, dear reader, have any advice/hints/money to give, let me know in the comments.

Anyway, here's a little rat-tacular musical pic your your amusement. Are you amused? I hope so. Because I was really trying to stay away from horrified this time.

Previous music-themed aceos here, here, here,
and here.

Go out and buy this little ditty here.

TRIBAL ARTIST

Me, me, me. I can't stop painting my self portrait now that I've started. It's so... gratifying.

I must tell, you, the wife is none to pleased with these incredibly sexy images of me on ebay. She's quite concerned that I shall start receiving solicitations from women with impeccable taste. I can't say that I blame her. Look at me!

This is an image of me as I prepare to paint an aceo. I go down the the banks of the lake, and strip down to my pantaloons (no bells, no vest). The pencil moustache just wasn't edgy/tribal enough for me, so I stuck it through my nose. Painful, yes, but aesthetically superior. I bear the necklace of the shrunken head of former aceo competitor, Mick Reasor (mreas). This helps me summon his superior shading techniques. And then, I SING:

Je. suis. un artiste
Tres. sexy to say the least
Like some primal hairy beast
Devouring paint like it's a feast

Hammy, hommy, dippy do dee
Fie fie nippy flippy zip po fee
I paint for you
You bid for me
Help me pay that ebay fee!

To purchase this picture, click here.