SPEAKING OF TERRORISM DETERRENTS...

It's that time of year again, when we reflect on 9-11 and how that day confirmed all of our political/religious beliefs, regardless of what they are. Well, I'm here to stop all that. You see, I'm going to invent a time machine that will take me back to that day. I'm also going to invent a pill that will increase my size. Sort of like Enzyte, but for my whole body. Hopefully my clothes will grow in direct proportion. If not, I'll contact the folks at that Big N' Tall clothing company and commission them to hook me up with some gargantuan threads. There I'll be, all Gulliver-in-Lilliput-ish, catching the planes in my hands. It's a perfect plan, so long as I can eventually get back down to normal size.

What, you think it's impractical? Maybe you're right. Banning shampoo from airplanes and turning this country into the USSR is a MUCH better idea.