Merry Christmas. There. I said it. Happy now? Is that all it takes?

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VARNISH TARNISH

You can't frost hot brownies. You can, but you'll have to offer them to your dinner guests as Abstract Brownies.

So here's an Abstract Painting^TM. I'm not going to lie to you: this was not how I expected it to turn out. I had made a cool little painting of an angry looking geisha type. It would have been a perfectly suitable addition to my FACES collection. And then I tried to emulate a certain popular aceo artist who shall remain nameless. All I will tell you his name rhymes with Lick Freezer.

I tried to add a glaze to gouache. Either it wasn't dry enough, or I was using the wrong glaze. As you can see, everything ran together. This is the result.

The real title, by the way, is RED LADY WITH FORKS STICKING OUT OF HER MINI-SATELLITE DISH HAIR-DO, but that won't fit.

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SAD OIL FACE

This is a first for me. Oil, that is. It might be a last - talk about a high-maintenance medium.

This guy is sad because he is aware of his likely future of loneliness. I'm pretty much a watercolor or gouache painter. Occasionally acrylic. And you know what they say, oil and water don't mix. Or was it oil and vinegar? Wait, no, that's a salad dressing. My favorite kind, mind you. When I eat salads at all. But I digress.

Someday I'll do oils again. But I might need guidance. Like a class or something. Imagine that - actually learning about something before you try it. Do people actually do that?

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LAUGHING AUDIENCE

The wife observantly notes that most of the faces I paint look tired, sad, angry, or some other not happy emotion. So to challenge myself, here's something happy.

Of course, for all we know, they're laughing at someone else's misfortune.

Sorry. Couldn't help myself.

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BECKMANN-ISH

Max Beckmann is one of those artists many people have said I should check out. Alright, already. I've checked him out. And, as usual, those people were right. Cool stuff. So here I offer up unto you, verily verily, my interpretation of Beckmann's Still Life with Three Skulls.

I suppose you could find a poster of this somewhere. If you bought that, you'd have a more accurate representation of the real thing. And it would be bigger. But, and I hate to be the one to break it to you, posters are tacky. And even though this aceo is a painting of someone else's work, it's realer art than a poster.

Just be happy that I didn't try to make it more my own by adding a naked Belly Punker.

Anyway, here's the real thing:

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BUCKED

I'm a man of many passing fancies. Hobbies, if you will. Many of them are the type where using phrases like "passing fancies" could get you in trouble. Bull Riding is not, nor will it ever be, one of them.

If I ever did, however, this is a view I would probably get used to seeing.

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SPEAKING OF BIRDS...

The wife has a new blog all about 'em.

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PILEATED WOODPECKER

They live around here, but I haven't seen one yet. The wife has. So this description is second hand.

They're huge. Their claws are huge. Their heads are huge. Their wings, all raggedy, are huge. The noise they make when pummeling square-shaped holes into trees is huge. They look like Pterodactyls. Small Pterodactyls, but Pterodactyls are ... er ... were really huge. Look, it's relative. Stop being so literal. You want literal? Fine. They're crow-sized.

And they're totally punk rock. If Johnny Rotten were a bird, he'd be a Pileated Woodpecker.

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PET-ICURE (IF: HELP)

Someone, please. Help this poor kitty.

The owner refuses to trim this cat's nails because of one incredibly misguided reason: LONG NAILS SELL ART.

Think I'm kidding? Get on eBay and watch this item. Go ahead. Don't even bid, if you can control yourself. And this kitty suffers for it. He used to tread upon soft, cushy carpet, but his claws scratched it all away to the wood floor. Now his toes are cold in the morning. Way to go, cruel art collectors.

There is a way to save this kitty, of course. You could win the auction and give him a trim. Be warned, however: there are ne'er-do-wells about who wish to own this kitty themselves, just to bask in the glorious length of his nails. Make sure you have plenty of cashola in your paypal account.

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ART CLASS SKETCHES

Here's that Cezanne painting again, this time sketched in 15 minutes. Stop watch and everything.

And here's what I did with the rest of the class time. Interpret as you will. Or don't. I don't control your mind.

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WALKING THE CAT

This might take a little bit of explaining.

The Belly Punker needs some exercise. So he decides to take the cat out for walks. The thing is, Mrs. Belly Punker has spoiled the cat. When Mrs. Belly Punker walks the cat, she showers him with treats all the way. Now the cat won't budge without a treat. The Belly Punker, a strict disciplinarian, knows the rules: first exercise, then training, THEN reward. All thanks to the mighty Kitty Whisperer.

Anyway, what you see here is the war of wills. And the A-frame house I hope to one own. On the land near the mountains. With a big tree or six. And a bird feeder behind the house. With no property taxes. Or mortgage payments. What? Oh. Sorry. Drifted off for a minute there.

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MONGOLIAN HORSES

I was looking for inspiration for painting a horse. Horse-peration. I didn't want to just paint any old horse. So I went to the horse source: Mongolia. On the internets, of course. I'm poor. I can't just pick up and travel to Mongolia.

There's some amazing art coming out of Mongolia. I found quite a few images with horse subjects, of course of course (sorry, had to be done), that had an aesthetic that appealed to me. Here's a HarmoniousJosh-ified version of one of them.

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GUITARMAN

I recently went to go see Doc Watson in concert. This is not Doc, obviously. Only inspired by his flat-picking genius.

I went to the bar at the concert and asked for a Scott Adams. Scott Adams is the author of the comic strip, Dilbert. He has an excellent blog, at which I've apparently been spending too much time. He does not lend his name to any beer labels that neither I nor the bartender are aware of. Once we figured out my error, the rest of the transaction went smoothly.

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BROOKLYNISH #2

Another cityscape.

We've been out of the big city for seven months now. I'm still perfectly satisfied seeing this view by way of aceo. I prefer the live views of the trees.

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TREE #14

Another tree. There's a lot of them out there.

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ILLUSTRATION FRIDAY: MASK

The good ol' mask of happiness. No one likes sad people. What bummers they are. Bringing everybody down. Why can't they fake it like everybody else?

Quit yer mopin', sad people.

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LADY CARDINAL

When we were living in Brooklyn, we had a view of both the Chrysler Building and the Empire State Building. When picking the favorite, the CB is the easy choice. But over time, the stateliness of the ESB grew on me. The same thing with the Northern Cardinal.

When we moved to NC, we were thrilled to see all of the cardinals (being the freakishly avid birdwatchers we are). The glowing red of the male cardinal was a real treat. But over time, as with the ESB, the female cardinal won us over.

So here she is.

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CAT-O-LILY

Ah, the Cat-o-lilies are in bloom again. Such a strange flower - suitable to any occasion.

You want crazy kitties? You got crazy kitties. How lucky for you, to reap the benefits of my malfunctioning brain.

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3-D SPIKE-HAIRMAN

I'm not sure, but I'm pretty sure this dude is 3D glasses compatible.

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Look, "Cezanne," if that is you're real name (sounds French to me), don't make me send my wild pack of lawyers after you. Here is my painting:

and here is what I find floating around the internets under YOUR supposed name:



You. Me. Playground. After school. Bring your lunch money.

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